This is a note to everyone out there who is and who isn’t facing anxiety and has a hard time coping up with it. First off, please note that this anxiety isn’t a mental instability. This composition will give you an insight on what is really is and how it affects an individual.
Looking back at the years that have gone by, I realise that everything wasn’t as hard as it always seemed. There would often be small situations where a feeling of helplessness and worry would take over my mind. Oblivious to the fact that something was bothering me in a rapid state I’d always try to shrug it off my shoulders and pretend everything was alright. But inside my skull, I knew that there were multiple thoughts eating me up. Maybe it was just about borrowing a pencil from my classmate or just asking somebody to help me out with a project; I would always feel scared and uneasy. I never wanted to burden them by asking them anything that wouldn’t benefit them or at least that’s what my brain would tell me.
As I grew older, things started getting out of hand. There were times when I could hear my heart scream and struggle to get out of my chest. When the teacher would call out my name to answer a question and I would be standing out of the crowd, my breath would always be caught up in my throat. With everybody’s gaze fixed on me, I felt like a criminal who just committed murder. I would start stuttering and sweating. When I would finish, the entire class went back to doing what they were doing. It was only then when I felt that I could take a breath of fresh air. When taken to a doctor, I was told that I had a disorder called anxiety. They said that they would give me medications which would curb down the nerve wreck. Sometimes it helped. Sometimes I had to endure it.
It was only when I was in my late teens, where I understood that i had control over this process. It was my first day in the college hostel and it was a completely new beginning for me. This was the turning point for not only me but also my peers around me. I could see everyone have difficulties their own way. Even though along the course of time I had made some pretty close mates, I was still very sceptical about opening up about my anxiety. Then came the day of my first presentation in front of the dean of the university. I knew I couldn’t look back now. I had to face the audience in front of me. If I couldn’t today, this fear would probably always get the best of me. All the thoughts that were cramping up my brain, made my face pale. My roommate of the time being came up to me as I was getting ready for the day. She put her hand around me and smiled assuring me “Everything that was going to happen today will not decide your fate. Your future is in your hands. You control your mind and body. All you need to do is suck it all in and heave all the worries out.” It only clicked me then that she had always known. She had known about everything i was going through yet didn’t force me into telling her because she knew I would feel embarrassed or uncomfortable and for that I will forever be great full to her.
When it came to giving the big presentation, I took my roommate advice. I closed my eyes and thought about all the harmful thoughts that would affect me and kept reminding myself about all the positive things. My roommate’s voice kept ringing I my ears. I hadn’t realised how much my chest rose as I was completely lost in my notion. As I heard my name being called out, I slowly opened my eyes and heaved a sigh of relief letting all the negative thoughts flow out. A smile curled up face and a feeling of confidence fills my heart. From that I have never felt unsure of myself. Sure, my anxiety still comes. But now every time, I know how to tackle it and would make sure it didn’t get to me. Because you can defeat your dread. Your nemesis.