Life is like a roller-coaster ride, exciting and adventurous yet it has its ups and downs.
My life was no different. I had my ups and downs. There were many incidents that occurred in my life which were so grotesque that I was devastated and wished to die.
I was very young. I lacked wisdom and discernment. I was a poor judge. I trusted people blindly. People used to take advantage of my innocence.
This is not a typical love story of a girl and a boy falling in love and after overcoming initial problems they live happily ever after.
No, this is a story revolving around the birth of a baby.
When I was young, foolish and naive I was madly in love with a boy named Ben. I worshipped Ben, did everything in my power to please him and make him happy. He too loved me.He was also young and stupid like me.
I can never blame him for the events that unfolded. For the pain and struggles I had to face. I was as much at fault as he was. Love can make us do extraordinary things not necessarily right in the moral sense and not at par with the expectations of the society.
Ben was a hardworking lad. He had lost his father when he was just a baby. His mother meant the world to him. Being the only child Ben got the complete love and attention of his mother. Ben wanted to join the Armed Forces just like his father.
He wanted to give his life for the sake of the nation and to make his mother proud of him.
Even I encouraged Ben in his dreams. I always supported him in his life’s endeavors.
After a couple of months we got the news that Ben has been selected in the Armed Forces. He had cleared all the rounds to get into the National Defense Academy.
It was a proud moment for us and probably the happiest day of Ben’s life.
He was to report to the Academy in a month at Pune. I was going to miss him. He had to undergo three years of training. I would hardly be able to contact him or get to meet him. This made me sad.
I used to be so dependent on him that the thought of Ben being far away overwhelmed me. I voiced my fears and concerns. He was empathetic. He felt the same way. He too was going to miss me a lot. I made him promise to keep a diary of his record of life in the Academy. He reluctantly agreed. Writing wasn’t something he liked to do.
On the final night of our togetherness we made love. It was a very divine and resplendent night for us. One that I would always remember. One that changed my life.
After Ben left, I carried on in my life. Looked forward to college as the final year was nearing the end and placements were to begin anytime in the week.
I felt very positive and strong mentally but physically it was draining. I always felt exhausted and longed to take longer naps. My level of hunger increased and I used to get weird dreams and night sweats. I also developed cravings for those food I never liked earlier and my body rejected the food I ate on usual basis.
I always felt nauseated and dizzy. Thinking that these were the signs of some impending disease I consulted to a doctor. The doctor referred me to a gynecologist and I found out that I was almost 4 weeks pregnant.
I was speechless. I had mixed feelings. On one hand I was feeling anxious about the consequences if my family come to know of this and on the other hand I was feeling a kind of relief and happiness.
A part of Ben was growing inside my womb. Everything felt so surreal. I picked up my phone to inform Ben and was just about to dial his number when I stopped myself.
I couldn’t tell this news to Ben. If he comes to know he would leave behind everything. His dreams and career, he would give up just to be with me. I didn’t want this to happen.
I confided in my best friend who gave me the same advice. She promised to be with me to care for me and support me in case of any emergency.
Those 9 months were a struggle for me. I gained weight, I was put on medication and I was having a very hard time to cope up with my college and education. Somehow I was able to hide my pregnancy from everyone. They didn’t think anything of my bulging belly. They believed that I had gained weight. I wore extra large and lose clothes to conceal the baby bump.
I also managed to get a job at a reputed company with free accommodation, transportation and good pay check.
I moved out of my home and shifted to the company ‘s guest house. That way I was able to avoid my family as much as i could.
Whenever Ben used to call I was always very cautious. I never made him feel that something is up with me. I was always cheerful and quite normal.
Soon the day came when I delivered the baby. Our baby! She was an angelic beauty. She was so cute and chubby that I instantly fell in love with her forgetting all the kicks I had endured. I had become a mother. I felt whole and complete. It was like I was born to give birth to her.
When my angel had turned 6 months old Ben turned up. He had come on leave for a few weeks and came to meet me. He was surprised to see me with a baby.. I lied to him saying that angel was my niece and that I was just a babysitter.
He held angel in his arms and kissed her on her forehead. Angel responded with a dazzling smile. Ben too fell instantly in love with her.
I excused myself to use the washroom leaving angel with Ben, her father. Unfortunately while i was away in the washroom Ben caught his eye on my folder which had all the details of my medical reports and the Birth certificate of angel.
He was shocked to see those. He confronted me. Demanded an explanation from me. He was hurt that I had kept him in the dark. Withholding information about his daughter.
I couldn’t bear his accusations. I broke down. I cried to him saying that whatever I did and didn’t do were all for his good. I wanted him to concentrate and focus on his training . I didn’t want him to get sidetracked by me or our baby.
Seeing me cry, angel also cried. She let out loud wails and it was difficult for me to calm her. Ben took her from me and cradled her. He sang to her and she was back to being calm and smiling.
Ben left again for the Academy with a promise to be back and marrying me soon after his commission.
He never came back………..
He met with an accident during the training and was dead….
I cannot explain the loss I felt. The pain I went through. The dreams I had of him coming on horseback to take me were replaced by the nightmare of him in a coffin.
A heart was shattered into million pieces. It bled with the excruciating pain. I wanted to end it all. I wanted to leave this earth and reunite with him in the celestial world..
I was about to kill myself when my daughter said her first words “Mama”.
With so much love she said those words that I bursted out in tears…
I realized that I was everything left for my angel. I had to be strong. I had to live for my angel. With her every smile, she took away the pain and filled me with new hope.
I found the diary which I had given Ben with a promise that he must write his experience.
In every page he had written my name. The thousands of ‘I love you’ messages touched me.
I never knew that Ben could write poems. In every page he had written beautiful, heartwarming versus for me.
These and our daughter gave me the strength to live life and to face every obstacles.
Love is Life. One must not waste his life on love but one mustn’t forget love in his life.