The Game of Subconscious…
Today while returning back from office, I was browsing the internet and going through my news feed. And I came across something that flashed back a huge lot at the back of my mind. The words read as,
“I can’t continue with this relationship.” He said while meeting her the last time.
“I can understand.” She replied, thinking this is not the first time someone is saying those words to her.
I paused for a moment at the post, gave it a quick glance and got lost again in my world full of memories. I returned back home and after getting fresh and relax pulled out my diary from my closet and accidently it fell over and turned open. While picking it up I noticed a strange thing, it was open at exactly the same page where the lines read, “I can’t continue with this relationship.” He said while meeting her the last time. “I can understand.” She replied, thinking this is not the first time someone is saying those words to her.
I was in an awe that how could someone exactly get my lines penned down. I sank in my arm chair, grabbed my cup of coffee and started flicking the pages of the reminiscences of years old experiences. And again the journey to the flashback began. Yes it wasn’t the first time with him but one of the times that happened in my life. Often I used to think why did I ever fall for anything or anyone like that but every time I created I relation that I was dependent on, just flicked away from me and left me in deep thought that why ever did I fall prey to my feelings.
“I know we can’t be together, but still I wish it to happen. I know future is uncertain, but still I wish to imagine you in it. I know I breathe the air the almighty provides us all, but still for me it’s you whose aroma is longed by this breath. I know you don’t see me the same way as I see you, but still for me you are the one who is in everything I see and everything I do. Every place I go and every emotion I feel. I know the heart beats because I am alive, but still it beats for you. I know it can’t work over the distance, but still I hope to see you in another world too. I know now you are just a memory, but still I can feel your touch and sense your presence around me. Now that you are gone there is no point in expressing my feelings to you, but still I do. I love you.”
And tears filled up my eyes. It was written for someone, sometime back. But I could believe that yesterday I had thought I would not be able to move on without that person who was the true motivation for me. Who taught me to live life the way I wanted to live. Who taught me to fight with dignities and limitations and give me a reason to be a sole motivation for myself and others? But see today I am a successful writer as well as an entrepreneur as well a trainer. He taught me to follow my dreams and make them true. So here I stand today, watching the game of my subconscious which brought back the memory of a past.
With happy times, there are disappointments too. Happiness and sadness go hand in hand. I miss his presence sometimes. As I pick up my pen and diary to write anything, more often I miss him. I look back and see my laughing face, how much I enjoyed his company. I was so lively with him. As I pen down my feelings I get reminded of th ignorance and harshness of that time. Yes I know it was just to push me away, but my heart is still grieved to lose a good friend and a companion for life.
My coffee was cold now and the diary was still in my hands, I felt a soft tap on my shoulder. “Mumma, when did you come back home?” said Arav, my 3 year old little champ. “It’s just been a while, sweetheart. Why are you up? I thought I will wake you up directly for dinner. I was going to make your favourite recipe today.” As I said these words to him reality struck me. “I love you, Mumma!” he triggered so vigorously and just cuddled me in his cute little arms. I just wiped away the little spec of tear at the corner of my eye and felt a huge lump in my throat. But I immediately cleared it and hugged him back tightly and replied “I love you too my little champ!” and gave him a peck of kiss on his lovely pink cheek.
Yes you went away and shagged off your responsibilities but today as I watch Arav growing up I realise that my decision for being a single mom wasn’t wrong. Living my life with a stranger or someone I couldn’t love is better to share that love with loveliest little thing and be happy in their happiness. I just brushed away the hairs from his cheeks and told him to sit back while I just go and keep the belongings in the closet again and he obediently followed it.
“So what do you want me to cook today?” I asked him gently.
“What about mumma’s favourite plain bottle guard and hot chapattis!” he said and winked.
And both of just laughed and he came running towards me and I just picked him up in my arms and gave him a swirl round. “Let’s go champ!” I said to him as both of us moved out of the room to achieve our daily goal and that’s dinner. He sat on the kitchen counter while I prepared him the dinner and while I was making chapattis he gave me kiss on my lips and said, “You are the best thing that ever happened to me, mom! I love you shooooo much.” And I was in awe. I kissed him back, “Me too, son! Come lets have dinner.” And both of carried our dinner to the table and the memories stayed back in the subconscious.